


i couldn't be more in love

by AllYourFriends



Category: The 1975 (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, unrequited love but not sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:41:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27579287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllYourFriends/pseuds/AllYourFriends
Summary: It was always like this: everything was fine, then George did something, nothing big or incredible, it was always something friends would normally do for each other, and all of a sudden Matty’s brain felt like it had been electrocuted and his heart started beating faster. He knew he had to figure this whole thing out but he didn't want to deal with it. If he ignored it for long enough, maybe it would go away on its own. But even after all these years it hadn’t, and deep down Matty knew that no amount of hoping and waiting would make it disappear.
Relationships: George Daniel/Matthew Healy
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6





	i couldn't be more in love

**Author's Note:**

> Like last time, I'm not sure the ending is that good, but I really like how the rest of this turned out. Hope you guys enjoy!

It was always like this: everything was fine, then George did something, nothing big or incredible, it was always something friends would normally do for each other, and all of a sudden Matty’s brain felt like it had been electrocuted and his heart started beating faster. He knew he had to figure this whole thing out but he didn't want to deal with it. If he ignored it for long enough, maybe it would go away on its own. But even after all these years it hadn’t, and deep down Matty knew that no amount of hoping and waiting would make it disappear.

Matty still remembered the first time he noticed it. He was sure he would never forget that afternoon. They did the same thing every Friday: after school, the four of them would sit in a circle on the floor of Matty’s bedroom, and smoke a joint while listening to the album George was obsessed with that week. They were talking about the cute blonde girl in Ross’ math class, or maybe about girl that chased Matty around because they hooked up at a party that one time and she wanted to go on a date with him despite the fact that he was very blatantly avoiding her. Either way, Matty didn't really care. He had smoked so much he was sure he would fall asleep if he closed his eyes for too long. It wasn’t a bad trip, that happened to him before and he knew this wasn’t that. He was just really high. Maybe even too high. He couldn’t complain because he was surprisingly having a good time.

He couldn't stop staring, though. He didn’t want to be creepy but his mind decided that he would hyper-focus on whatever was right in front of him and this afternoon it happened to be George. Matty sometimes wondered if he would’ve felt the same way had Adam or Ross been sitting in George’s place. At first he wasn’t sure what it was about him. They were best mates, and Matty believed that if you are close friends with someone you inevitably fall in love with them to some extent. Not romantically, but still. However, this was definitely different.

He couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful George was. He had never thought about him in those terms before, but he noticed it then and couldn't make the thought disappear. He was worried he would accidentally let the words out without meaning to.

Adam said something, although Matty didn’t really understand what it was, and after a few minutes, he noticed George was the only one left. He was just as high as Matty, if not more, and he had his eyes closed and he was singing along to the music still playing and he was beautiful. So beautiful, Matty was slightly ashamed he hadn’t seen it before.

“Matty, stop staring,” George said, making Matty sober up a little. He was surprised, and the cloud covering his mind cleared up for a few seconds, before coming back and making his eyes focus on George’s lips. “What is going on inside that head of yours, huh?” he giggled.

 _You_ , Matty thought, and he hoped he didn’t say it out loud because he just wasn’t sure if he would hear himself talk. He was glad he was so high though, because he knew it would take too much brain power to do anything other than sit and stare, and his mind just wanted to rest.

“God, you can’t even talk. How much did you smoke mate?” George couldn't stop laughing. It wasn’t loud or annoying, Matty would’ve been happy just hearing him laugh forever.

“Man, I'm so high,” Matty said slowly, proving George’s previous statement right, which made him laugh even harder.

There are a few blanks in this story for Matty. The next thing he remembers is watching George dance around the room while he laid on his back. He’s brain was foggy and tired, and he though he probably wouldn't remember most of this. Part of him hoped George wouldn't remember either because before he could stop himself, he said “I think I love you.”

Matty actually liked that particular memory. He loved his best mate, so what? He didn’t want to pretend like he didn’t just because it wasn’t manly. When had he ever been manly? He didn’t even know what that was supposed to mean, and he didn’t care to learn.

But if this was how people usually felt about their friends, why did his heart break a little every time George had a new partner? Why was he jealous? He felt the same whenever Ross or Adam found someone new but with George it was different. It was _always_ different. Stronger. Uncontrollable. He hated that feeling.

So, of course, when George eventually got a new girlfriend (not the blonde girl Matty thought was actually pretty nice and felt bad for disliking for no reason, nor the guy George fooled around with for a few weeks that Matty wished was weaker so he could punch him in the face), Matty decided that he would try to spend as little time with the happy couple as possible while recording their first album. He didn't have it in him to ask George not to bring his new lover to the studio because he knew George wouldn't get to see her enough if he did.

So Matty stayed away, kept his distance. And he wrote songs: about his ex girlfriend, about his brother, and of course about George too. He would never tell him those were about him. He worried he might eventually figure it out and ask him, but he had spent too many nights thinking of the perfect lie to tell George that there was no way he would be caught. Any question George could ask, Matty had a believable answer.

However, one night it was inevitable: they were all going out to celebrate _finally_ being done with that one song they couldn't get quite right and _I have barely seen you lately, come on you absolutely will come, you have no excuse this time._ Matty actually wanted to go out with them. He hadn’t seen any of the other three guys for longer than an hour in weeks. He missed them and they missed him and he truly didn't have a good reason not to go other than “I don’t know, I might be busy.”

The night went well, at least for the other guys it did: Adam left first with the girl he had been dancing with for most of the night, Ross had gone to the studio early to re-record a few tracks that day and was exhausted, and George was having fun with his girlfriend, both of them drunk out of their minds. Matty didn't have a bad time either. He just couldn't stand his best friend’s girlfriend and he wouldn't make an effort to change that. He couldn't find a single thing wrong with her or the relationship. If he believed in that sort of thing, Matty would say she was George’s soulmate: it almost felt like they had been made for each other by the universe.

After about an hour of sitting at a table with George and Miss Perfect, Matty decided he wanted to leave. He didn't want to spend more time than absolutely necessary with them. So he excused himself and went to the bathroom. He needed to wash his face because the heat inside that club was dizzying, and if he wanted to get home he would need to sober up as much as possible after all those drinks.

He thought they would have left by the time he came out of the tiny bathroom. He hoped they wouldn't be there. But there he was, waiting for her, looking at his phone. Matty couldn’t take his eyes off of him. He wondered how it felt to be him, how it felt for your love to be reciprocated. In George’s defense, Matty had never even hinted at the fact that he loved him. Not like _that._ This was not George’s fault, and Matty was aware of that.

Then he thought about her. Suddenly, he wanted to know everything she knew about George. Matty was sure he knew him better, but what if there was something new? Something he had missed and he might never get to learn?

As the minutes passed, Matty just stood there. Watching her come back. Watching her kiss George. Watching her grab his hand. Watching him leave with her. Leaving with someone other than him.

He couldn't get that kiss out of his mind. It wasn’t the first time he had seen them kiss, and he knew it wouldn't be the last. But for a second, for a brief moment, he wished it was him. He wanted to be the one kissing George. The one going home with him. He didn't want anything else. He wouldn’t be greedy and ask for more than that. He just wished he could stop picturing George in bed with her. He didn’t want to fuck his best friend, or at least at the time he thought he didn’t. Matty simply didn’t want to share George with somebody else.

They eventually broke up. Matty knew it would happen. George probably knew too. They had been gone on tour for a few months, and he could see that breaking up any relationship. He hadn't even talked to his dad in weeks, so he wasn’t surprised when George broke the news to the rest of the band. He didn’t seem sad, which made Matty weirdly happy. George didn’t have a girlfriend anymore, and he wasn’t hurt. He couldn't have asked for a better ending to that story.

This didn’t make Matty any less lonely though. George kept finding new people to bring back to his room, and Matty had to stay in his, which he hated. He hoped that the break up would mean George would spend more time with him now that he wasn’t always calling or texting her.

But Matty knew something had changed. He could feel George fall back into his old ways: being glued to his phone, always running back to his room as soon as they set foot in the hotel, spending less time with Matty. He had found someone, and Matty didn't know how to feel about it. His brain was constantly torn between being happy that George was living his life and not mourning a dead relationship, and hating the fact that he was still not the one on George’s mind.

He could feel the same old feelings coming back, and he hated himself for that. He didn’t want to dislike someone he hadn’t even met simply because they had George’s attention. And so he, too, did what he had done so many times before: he distanced himself from George. Suddenly, Matty was always busy. A photoshoot before the show, an interview after. If he wasn’t working, he was locked in his hotel room writing yet another song. By the time the tour was done, he had so many demos and lyrics he was sure he could release albums for a decade. So what if he hated most of the songs because they were all about George, he still had material to work with.

And so when they got back home, Matty wanted to do anything but be with George. Every single thought he’d had the past months (if he was being completely honest with himself, it was more like the past _year_ ) had been about George. He felt like his brain was controlling him: constantly thinking of his best friend, even when he forced himself to think of anything else, even when nothing could make him think of George. Matty felt lost. He couldn’t be with George, he couldn’t even stand the thought of being in the same room as him anymore, but he needed it. He craved George’s presence in his life, and he never wanted to give that up.

That’s why he called him: he was lonely, overthinking, and he wanted his friend with him, just the two of them for once after months of having to share George with so many people.

“I’m telling you, I have a few new songs. Maybe you can come and check them out?”

“Why don’t you just send them to me? I’m kinda busy mate.”

“Come on! You’re always busy,” _with them, it’s always them._ He wouldn't take no for an answer this time. “Please, come over. I can find something good to show you,” _they’re all about you, I hope you don’t mind._ He was tired of keeping the last bit of every sentence to himself. “If you’ve got the time…” he whispered.

George didn’t showed up that night. It’s not like Matty was expecting him to. It still hurt though, so he did it one more time: he sat down and wrote even more songs about it. He did end up sending some to George. He tried, he really did, but his hands were quicker than his brain and by the time he realized what he had done it was too late. This was not how he wanted him to find out. Actually, he didn’t want him to find out, ever.

He didn’t read George’s texts for a few days. He didn’t answer Adam’s calls either. He didn’t show up at Ross’ house for dinner on Saturday like they had planned. He stayed away. _It’s better this way. It’s better this way. It’s better this way._ He wasn’t sure who it was better for. He knew this wasn’t a long term thing: they had to work on the next album, they had to go on tour, they had to do interviews and go to awards and do all the same things they used to do. Only now everything had changed. George knew. He knew Matty was in love, and even worse he had figured out he had been for a really long time.

Once Matty realized he couldn't run away from this, he did the next best thing: pretend it never happened. He apologized to George for what he had said in all those songs, the new ones and the old ones too. And he pretended. So did George. And Adam and Ross. But they never really went back to normal, which all of them expected. They hardly even talked at all, unless it was absolutely necessary.

George had a heart though, and he knew this hadn’t been Matty’s choice, so he did everything he could to ignore what he felt, and worked on the songs, pretending it wasn’t all about him. Acting like this was normal which _it fucking isn’t Ross, what do you want me to do about it? It’s weird between us now. I’m sorry!_

Matty tried to just watch George work from a distance. He didn’t want to intrude, ruin his concentration. But he missed his friend. He knew he shouldn’t do it. He knew this was the opposite of staying away. He knew he shouldn’t call George every other night when he couldn’t sleep.

“I think this is strange,” he said with a small laugh. He could tell George had been sleeping, but he was expecting his calls now and left his phone on so he wouldn't miss it in case tonight was one of _those_ nights. “I don’t know why i keep calling you if I’ve got nothing to say.”

George hardly ever said anything back. He mostly just let Matty ramble. He usually sounded like that was what he needed. When he did respond, he chose his words carefully. The last thing he wanted was to make Matty feel worse about the whole thing, but he knew Matty needed the reassurance.

“I’ll tell you the truth Matty,” he missed saying his name, and Matty missed hearing it. “It _is_ strange… but if I'm being honest, I still adore you,” George always would. He just had to get used to this. Matty knew there was no “getting used to this”. He just had to keep going. If he stopped, if he took a break, he would feel the weight of this whole thing and his heart wouldn’t be strong enough to take it. So, this one time, he wanted to return the favour, and give George the reassurance he needed as well.

“I adore you too,” he paused. They would be okay. He would make sure of that. “Nothing really matters anyway, does it?”


End file.
